I haven't written much lately. Maybe I've been uninspired. Or I've been telling myself I am at least. But I think it's more that my emotional energies have been tied up with our weighty decision to move overseas. The decision to enter into a messy, chaotic and likely challenging situation that will test every fiber of my, and Justin's, character (more likely mine than his, I suspect).
God has a way of redirecting us, purposefully nudging us when we start to drift off course. Gently, but purposefully. We've wrestled with this the past couple months- stop go, yes no, told you so... And the conclusion is, undoubtedly, that we have a distinct calling to Haiti for the next season of our lives. Not South Africa, as we originally thought. But Haiti is essentially and primarily African, virtually unsettled until the mid-17th century when French colonists, importing African slaves, started sugar plantations. Yes, we knew Africa would have something to do with our call. What a strikingly interesting way for it to play out.
In all of this, I've learned many things, just two of which I'll share here. The first, I need to limit the noise in my life. I want to be surrounded by His words, as if sitting in an orchestra hall as the music swells and envelopes all sense of space around me, til I must close my eyes to fully experience what is happening. That is when you know you're in the thick of it, when life is so intense you must remove one of your senses to grasp the fleeting moment when God intervenes. It's hard to articulate this.
I had an experience like this late last week. We needed some final clarity on our decision and I had an overwhelming sense of God moving into my space and surrounding me with peace, acceptance and an end to myself. He began there, where I ended, and stepped in to set things right. It was as if I was totally empty of myself, and completely full of Him. He did this for both Justin and I. I am sure of this.
And the second thing I've learned is that life, and compassion, has to be less and less about me, and more and more about the other thing- whatever that thing is- that you are serving. There must be a year toward that greater good, a stronger pull... a tireless love, as Mother Theresa calls it. Love that won't grow weary for weariness' sake. I long to be a dispenser of this, a conduit of His grace. I have a indefinitely long way to go on this zigzagging, often tumultuous journey of understanding love and being identified by sacrifice. Marked by servitude. Characterized by patience. I know our time in Haiti will bring an acute awareness to my inability to exhibit these things. And I'm terrified by this. But strangely, energized by it at the exact same time. And this is where I have landed, where we have landed. Yes, we will follow You. Yes, we will be changed by You.
We're heading out at the end of July on this journey. We hope you'll join with us on it here.
