shout-out to AZ

Arizona is such an amazing state if you're an outdoors lover. I'm dedicating this week's shout-out photos to Arizona and some of the sweet places I visited this year. (Side note: my friend Loren suggested that I would attract a lot of guys if I said I was a photographer for National Geographic...nice.)

Any guesses on where these were taken? Starbucks on me to whoever guesses them correctly...

part one: reflecting back

I can’t believe it’s almost 2006. I really can’t. Christmas flew by. Maybe it was the gallon of eggnog I drank that put me in a haze. I seriously entertained the thought of chugging that stuff right from the carton, I love it so much. I told my mom her homemade stuffed shells are the reason I am Italian. Eggnog and stuffed shells. It doesn't get much better than that.

Maybe it was the heartburn that woke me up early, but this morning I started getting goosebumps thinking about the New Year, and the newness and opportunities for change that it brings. I just love New Years.

Each year I host a get-together where all my favorite people come over and we talk about the highlights and not-so-highlights of the previous year, while feasting on our last indulgences of homemade pizzookies and ice cream before the “I gotta get rid of these thighs” diet sets in. We then spread out tons of paper, magazines and other crafty items and spend hours making collages that communicate our goals for the next year and then share them with one another. It’s good fun and a great way to reconnect.

I love getting people together to do this but my personal follow through sucks. It really is too bad that I am admittedly the worst person at keeping resolutions. I found my collage last week, crumpled in the corner of my car trunk, under a rollerblade. I think I put it in there when I moved in March and somehow it never made it out. Shoot. I felt a bit like a failure when I looked over it. I wish I had never found it. Resolutions on my collage that were notably unachieved in 2005 include: attaining legs like a Rockette, controlling my chocolate intake, creating and following through with a budget and reading the Bible all the way through. But I should say, in my defense, (since this blog has the tendency to become self-deprecating), resolutions that were notably achieved include: visiting Europe, focusing more on intercessory prayer and not settling, relationally, for less than God’s best.

Looking back, it was a good year. God graced me with opportunities to travel to 9 new places this year -- 6 countries (to regions like the Amazon in Peru, the Andes in Bolivia and the tsunami-devastated regions in Indonesia) and 3 areas of the U.S I had never been to before (DC, Moab and the South). I learned more about His heart for the poor through my travels in the developing countries I visited. I read some great books that challenged me to assess my responsibility for advocacy, spent time teaching children in the inner city, went skydiving and took a variety of road trips to hike beautiful places here in AZ. I just about finished my masters coursework (hallelujah!) and I experienced friendships deepening and new ones forming with really quality people in my life who helped me grow spiritually and personally. My sister (who is probably both the smartest and the wittiest person I know) and I became even better friends this year. I also became more familiar with areas of weakness and sin, as well as strength and improvement, in both my professional and personal life.

Yes, it was a good year. More soon on what I hope to achieve in the coming year…

small displacements

I made a decision Monday that I didn’t think I would make. It wasn’t what I had planned, I didn’t foresee it, but maybe that is why it made sense to do it. About a month ago I shared with my boss that I'd be leaving my job at the end of December. I needed to finish up my masters and then was hoping to move onto something different, something more “me”. Then I was offered a new position in my department that was promised to be challenging, strengthen my skills and help put processes in place that would make a meaningful difference in our work. But I wasn’t sure about staying- was I doing it because it was familiar? It seemed inevitable that the next season of my life would be living abroad, most likely in Africa, doing community development. A couple options even were presented in Rwanda and Ethiopia…but for some reason, I didn't feel led to move towards them. So in the end when it came time for my decision, I chose here. I sat in the dentist chair that morning, looking at the ceiling, wondering what my answer was going to be when I met with my boss. I had done some serious processing over the past weeks but still wasn't sure what I would say. Then the yes just came out of my mouth during my meeting. I don’t know why God has me stateside for this next season in life, but it seems there is something different He wants to accomplish in me here. That’s really the only way I can explain it. But maybe I really don't need to explain it or understand it.

Nouwen, in Compassion: A Reflection on the Christian Life, (which, by the way, I highly recommend reading) shares:

"Careful attention to God’s actions in our lives thus leads us to a sensitivity to his call. The more we are able to discern God’s voice in the midst of our daily lives, the more we will be able to hear him when he calls us to more drastic forms of displacement. Some of us are indeed called to move away from our cities and live in caves; some of us are indeed called to sell all we have and give it the poor and follow Christ into total poverty; some of us are indeed called to move away from our familiar milieus and live with the sick and dying… But no one will be able to hear or recognize these very blessed calls if he or she has not recognized the smaller calls hidden in the hours of a regular day. Not everyone is called in the way of St. Francis or Mother Teresa…. But everyone must live with the deep conviction that God acts in his or her life in an equally unique way. No one should ever think they are ordinary citizens in the Kingdom of God. As soon as we start taking ourselves and God seriously and allow him to enter into dialogue with us, we will discover that we are also asked to follow the crucified Lord in obedience. Quite often we will discover it is to places we would rather not go. But when we have learned to see him in the small displacements of our daily lives, the greater call will not seem so great after all. We then will find the courage to follow him and be amazed by our freedom to do so."

I'm still learning what it feels like to become sensitive to His call...even when it doesn't make sense to me. I think that's a lifelong lesson. I'm starting to see Him in the smaller displacements in my life (maybe it's more that I finally started looking for Him there), and through that I am slowly- just barely, really- beginning to understand my unique place in His kingdom. That's what this whole process has been about, I think. And I'm excited about it.

what can brown do for you?

It’s feeling like the holidays at the office. And it’s raining men. UPS men, that is. Instead of sugar plums dancing in my head, I'm dreaming of pirouetting men in little brown outfits, bringing parcels of joy into my life. Parcels that contain the finest of goodies to make my smile (and my waistline) grow bigger. Sometimes while sitting at my desk, if my ears are aimed in just the right direction, I can hear the roaring of that big, milk chocolately-colored truck coming into the 1224 courtyard. It barrels down the alley and pulls in front of the building. I wait… the engine cuts off. Footsteps. I count to five… My phone rings. I look down and pick up with anticipation. 'Reception calling... you have a package.' Yesss......

I skip down to the front lobby to see what is waiting (secretly I hope it’s an elaborate package from an unassuming secret admirer, but it’s often something from a vendor, brown-nosing under the guise of spreading holiday cheer -- usually in the form of an oversized tin of stale cheese popcorn or a salty summer sausage stick). Sometimes it’s a treat from my two favorite fellows, Harry and David or a special visit from the Fairytale Brownie fairy.

This past week I have received:

• A 2005 Whitehouse ornament that can only be described as serious Christmas tree bling (we’re talkin' plated gold and lots of it, baby)
• Two $20 gift cards to Starbucks (hello Mr. Gingerbread Latte, get ready 'cause you and me will be spending lots of time together this holiday season)
• A tacky tin with mediocre tasting cookies from 'Cookies from Home' (p.s. cookies from my home taste much better than this crap)
• And a big ole’ basket of Ghiardelli lovin’

Yes it’s the treats that make it feel like the holidays at the office. Food for the Hungry moonlights as Food for the Chunky this time of year and on every desk and around every corner is another delectable treat free for the taking. There is a shrine of cheese logs and smoked almonds and peanut brittle on the kitchen table and I’m not sure whether I should bow down to this mecca of processed goods or find a fork, dive in and join the feeding frenzy.

Ah, I do love the holidays. For many reasons other than this (more on that later) but this is definitely one of them.

the not so ideal me

Have you ever had one of those out-of-body experiences where you just sit back and watch yourself make a complete idiot out of yourself and there is just really nothing you can do? Or maybe it's more that you just don't know what to do... you're in too deep and it's just bad news. I had an encounter like this today with myself during a meeting. I painfully watched myself fumble and stumble over words that somehow wouldn't meet or connect in any way to make complete thoughts and I couldn't do a thing about it. I just kept heading down a long, narrow self-deprecating path, accented by bouts of randomness that never really materialized into anything meaningful. I should've at least poured myself a cherry Coke and popped popcorn to eat as I watched myself crash and burn (or maybe joined the three guys from Mystery Science Theater in the right hand corner that I envisioned having a blast commenting on my ridiculousness). Yes, it was just one of those days today.... where I so desperately needed to be my "ideal me" but instead proceeded to go completely in the other direction.

The "ideal me" is defined as: the me I'd like to be perceived as in certain situations.
Synonyms include: never actually happens, you wish, and get over it--time to come back to reality.

Examples include:
Ideal me at work- a person who is professional, confident and put together.
Real me at work: Not so much.

Ideal me in group settings: a person who is intriguing and real, eloquent with words, witty with jokes and endearing in demeanor.
Real me in groups: Not so much.

Ideal me when I am talking with old friends or getting to know new ones: a person who is selfless in conversation, intentional when listening and extremely engaging.
Real me with friends: You guessed it. Not so much again.

Oh well. Today was a glimpse of how incapable I am at achieving the "ideal me" status. And it was kinda funny. I'm so imperfect, so self-focused, and just plain dorky. I find myself thinking, that's okay... one day, in another place and time, I will be the more cultured, more fascinating, more interesting version of me. I will embody all the traits that are valuable and attractive in life and I will have finally arrived. That's actually pretty ridiculous when I think about it. Who am I kidding? The default me will always resurface (review previous posts to see what this scary beast looks like), whether I am living here or in Africa or whatever. And that's fine with me -- as long as I never take myself too seriously and can sit back and laugh at the crazy situations the not so ideal me gets into.

one more unapology and a few shout-outs

I effectively take back all I said about excusing my physical therapist's nonprofessional behavior after he hit on me tonight(see previous blog for original excusal). Aren't there like laws against that? Anyway, enough about that.

One more unapology. I am hopelessly photo happy. I have tons of digital pictures that no one will ever see but for some reason I think it necessary to document every possible angle of every possible detail of every possible thing I experience. My happy-snaps are taking over my life so I am going to have to start posting some... And man, can I just say I have some good-looking people in my life? For real.

Introducing my digital shout-outs to the sweet lovin' people I know:
I must give a shout-out to my friend Tara. How cute is she? I need to bottle her cuteness and sell it to pay off my school loans. And to my mom and dad. Bless 'em. You both get classier by the day. Go mom for doing your first 5K. You rock my face off. And to little Logan, the cutest baby a pseudo-Aunt could have. Those Baby Gap models have nothin' on you, kid.

(editor's note: If your photo doesn't make it into this week's digital shout-out edition, please don't fret. There is plenty more where these came from.)

unapologies

I feel a bit bad that I went off about my physical therapist. It's really not his fault, and I must confess that maybe I really am noncompliant. He said I could bike ride for 20 min max and I didn't listen and went for much longer than that. I also wore heels last night- something I am not a big fan of anyway, but I didn't think I had a choice -- my Teva's wouldn't have looked right with a formal dress. Still, that was a big no-no on my list of things to get me to 100%. So, all that said, I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm awfully stubborn. And I'm actually okay with that. Maybe this is all a part of the whole quarter life crisis revelation, but I'm learning to acknowledge and accept the things about myself that make me who I am.... (now don't get me wrong, there is something to be said about seeking to become more sanctified as things that are unholy in my life become evident, but I'm not talking about those sort of issues). What I am talking about is that I've spent a lot of energy apologizing for things as not to be so "this" or "that", when in reality, I don't need to change them. I will always revert back to the default me anyhow.

So to those that have vested interest in my life, I ask you to please exercise grace for the following things that I am decidedly not going to be apologetic for anymore. In this spirit, here is my last public apology for the following things...

I'm sorry that:

• I'm absolutely horrible at math; numbers make my stomach turn and I NEVER have or will balance my checkbook. And don't ask me how much to leave for tip.
• I have the worst sense of direction. I don't understand north, south, east and west and can't give you good directions to save my life.
• I'm super sentimental and cry at long distance commercials and anything that is remotely moving.
• I have a bleeding heart for everything unjust and can't focus on just one thing because my heart is pulled in too many directions.
• I hope for the good in people to overcome the bad and feel horribly disappointed when it doesn't happen.
• I'm not very girlie and I hate blowdrying my hair and wearing dresses and would really rather be dirty and camping.
• I'm an overcommunicator and need to verbally process.
• I drive like I'm a New York cabbie and have probably tailgated and gotten the finger by you or someone in your family.
• I allow the minimal time absolutely possible for everything, from getting to the airport before a flight to packing to arriving at a movie before it starts... which leads me to my next apology;
• I'm chronically late for everything. Seriously. I've tried to change this but I just can't.
• I'm a high maintenance food orderer. I'm almost certain that Pei Wei and Oregano's now have the "Roseann style" as a menu option.
• I'm impossibly stubborn (see example above).
• I will never settle when it comes to matters of the heart and love, so don't even suggest it.
• I'm picky and my standards are too high and blah, blah, blah...

That's all for now.

P.S. I'm really hoping some of these things can be seen as endearing instead of irritating by the people who love me... but I'm not holding my breath.

thoughts

I'm having not so nice thoughts about my physical therapist. Is that bad? Of course it is. That's a dumb question. But I am. I have to see him three times a week. He tells awful jokes, talks about college rugby nonstop, tells me I need to repaint my toenails, makes comments about girls and weight (which he should know you NEVER do, even as a joke) and complains about his issues with attracting psychotic women (to which I respond with, "maybe you're the problem..."). And he thinks I'm noncompliant. Stubborn maybe. But noncompliant? I don't think so. He says I am going to be "one of those" patients who will be difficult every step of the way...but not to worry, I will love him after it's all through. He thinks that's funny. Actually, my disdain probably has more to do with the fact that my ankle aches like all get out after I see him, and that he says its going to be a good while until I can do the things I enjoy again. He's the therapy Nazi.

Other non-related thoughts:
-I watched Last of the Mohicans this past weekend again and was reminded of how much I like it. Men, if you want some insight into what a lady wants, take note of Daniel Day-Lewis' character.

-I'm giving away all my uncomfortable shoes. I have too many shoes anyway. There are many other things in life which I have no control over that cause me discomfort, so why do I allow the things I can control to irritate me? I'm going to start taking a general inventory of things that I can control which cause irritation, and promptly get rid of them.

- I really want to go somewhere fun for New Year's this year.

snapshots

I’m not one to overspiritualize things. Really, I’m not. But I do have to say how continually moved I am as I see God in everything that is life. Relationships are life… in the joy, in the struggles, in everything that the people I get to share life with experience. I love that I get to somehow be an intimate part of the mundane, the trivial, the huge and the defining moments of other people’s lives. I really do.

Here are some snapshots from this past week of people God has allowed me to walk with:

-“I cried this week when I heard my baby’s heartbeat for the first time. Roseann, it didn’t seem real before. I am now so in love with this baby inside me.” (a friend, after her first ultrasound)

-“I want to share something I read with you. Courage is not the absence of fear. It’s moving forward in the face of fear.” (a friend who always knows the right thing to say at the right time)

-“It’s been hard and good and subtle and it blows me away! He is so good!” (a friend who has received peace about the next season in her life and is moving toward it…yay!)

-“I would love to find you a husband, Roseann.” (an older male coworker whose mission is to find me my soul mate. It makes me smile that he thinks of me like a daughter)

-“Sometimes I think, who does things like that? It blows me away. He is such an amazing guy.” (a friend who has finally met someone she is really excited about after three years)

-“You don’t ever need to explain yourself to me. I’m here for you, Roseann.” (my dad, who embodies all that is care to me)

-“Can I just tell you how grateful I am for my husband?” (a mentor and friend who is married to a non-believing spouse, and is such an incredible testimony to him by who she is and how she loves him)

-"I'm not doing well... I hurt. A lot. Can we go out and just talk?" (a friend who is walking through a dark period)