modern-day Gideon

I'm entering into a period of uncertainty in my life, and I'm learning a lot about faith through Gideon. He needed a lot of convincing that he could save Israel with only the promise that God would be with him. He must have stuggled with a great deal of uncertaintly when He was called. But God was gracious when he asked him for signs... twice. I think of my own impossibly stubborn heart as I question His promises, my paths, and how each time, God's grace is the response. When Gideon finally went with a stripped-down army of 300 men to fight against their powerful opponent, God guaranteed victory. God confirmed the direction He wanted him to move in, helped him eavsdrop to get inside information... but then, He was silent.

He didn't tell give Gideon specifics for what to do next, didn't give him a step by step strategy. He just led him to that point, stepped back, and allowed Gideon to take it from there. Gideon knew he had God's promises and moved foward... though he may have been overwhelmed with uncertainty in his circumstances, he was certain of God. He was victorious.

It leaves me questioning, does my certainty rest in God? Do I move forward with confidence of what I cannot see, of what I am certain He has promised, or do I hesitate with fear because I don't know what lies ahead or what it will look like when I get there? I read the following statement today which challenged me as I think about uncertainty:

"The journey, which can be described as one from comfort to uncertainty, is intented to be an adventure from calling to creativity, led by faith. Faith is all about character, trusting in the character of God, being certain in who God is and following Him into the unknown... "
I want that kind of faith. I want that kind of certainty.

confessions

I have a confession. I love Prague. I recently visited my friend Mary who is living there. It was so great to catch up with her. She is a woman of excellence and being in her presence makes me want to experience God more. We had an amazing time. Prague, they say, is Europe's best kept secret, with its amazing architecture and beautiful scenery- yet not overrun by tourists. I would have to agree. Cobblestone streets, colorful flower boxes decorating windows, fog hanging over the river, castles in the distance...

Sigh. I'm still dreaming of Prague.

Here are some pictures from the trip-



I































I have another confession. I have the most incredible friends and family. Maybe it's the Thanksgiving season that's making me feel nostalgic and reflective, but I am overwhelmed with appreciation as I think of the people God has placed in my life. People who consistently amaze me with their kindess, generosity, humor and steadfastness ... each one such a better person than I could ever be. I think of what Shakespeare once said: "I am wealthy in my friends." I just don't deserve this kind of wealth. But I am so incredibly thankful for it.

lessons

i'm learning...
-that it's okay to be sensitive
-that I should listen to my sister's advice and avoid toxic bachelors
-that being comfortable isn't always what I'm supposed to be
-that I don't have to have it figured out all the time
-that shadows and light come from the same source
-that caring too much or not enough can be equally damaging
-that doing what makes me come alive is what I really need to be doing
-that God's grace is so much greater than anything else I know... and is what I need more than anything else

quarter life crisis

I turned a quarter of a century this year. For some reason, 25 was a hard one. It came and went and all of a sudden I felt like I had to have it all figured out. Urgency and anxiety flooded me... I had to make things happen. Quick.

I don't really know what spurred it on, so I've decided I'm having a quarter life crisis. I heard that in a John Mayer song, I think. My friend calls it the mid-twenties "what-the-hecs"... what the hec am I doing with my life? what the hec am I gifted at? what the hec am I heading towards?

Maybe my biggest fear is to look back when I am much older and realize I did nothing that really meant anything. That during my twenties, "the best years of my life", I just sat on my hands and thought of all things I wanted to be doing or wished I could do but never actually did them. I am held captive by the fear of what I may regret in the future if that makes sense. I am afraid that this life God has entrusted me with will amount to nothing much and that it didn't make one iota of a difference to anyone afterall. But usually these thoughts are fleeting, because I'm learning to not let fear paralyze me from doing really great things. I have way too much to do in this life to waste my time with fears of regret.

I want to be a part of something much bigger than myself.